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Understanding and Counseling The Problem of Loneliness
I. What is Loneliness?
Loneliness is a state of mind, a feeling deep in the pit of your stomach. It may be mildly irritating or totally incapacitating.
Loneliness is a painful awareness that we lack meaningful contact with others. It involves a feeling of inner emptiness which can be accompanied by sadness, discouragement, a sense of isolation, restlessness, anxiety, and an intense desire to be wanted and needed by someone.
Loneliness is an uncommonly common problem. It exists everywhere, among all kids of people. As Durham noted:
It has been reported that of all people in our nation, the adolescent has the most problems with loneliness. The teen years are the time in life with the need for social acceptance is at its peak. Adolescents regard themselves as no longer children, and most are making efforts to become more independent from their family. Ties with peer groups are extremely important. And the resulting pressure can be tremendous. Even if a teenager has a pleasant family atmosphere, loneliness can be a great problem if there are inadequate ties with other teens. Three kinds of loneliness: emotional, social and existential.
Emotional loneliness “involves the lack or loss of a psychologically intimate relationship with another person or persons. The emotionally lonely person feels utterly alone and can only recover by establishing new in-depth relationships with others.
Social loneliness is the feeling of aimlessness, anxiety and emptiness. The person feels that he or she is “out of it” and on the margin of life. Instead of an in-depth relationship with a specific companion, the socially lonely person needs a supportive group of accepting friends and skill in relating to others.
Existential loneliness refers to the sense of isolation which comes to the person who is separated from God and who feels that life has no meaning or purpose. Such persons need a committed and growing relationship with God, preferably within the confines of a concerned community of believers.”
II. The Causes of Loneliness
Loneliness may have many and varied causes, and identifying the causes in a specific situation is most often a job for a highly trained professional. However, some exposure to the possible influences on a young person who is feeling acute loneliness may nonetheless be helpful for youth leader or adviser.
Studies by Levin and Stokes(1986) and Peplau and Perlman(1982) suggest that poor self concepts and low self-esteem-including “negative evaluations of their own bodies, sexuality, health, appearance, behavior, and functioning”- contribute to a young person’s vulnerability to feelings of loneliness. (See also chapter 6, “Unhealthy Self-Esteem.”) As Collins writes, “When we have little confidence in ourselves it unable to give love without apologizing; neither can he or she receive love without cutting oneself down.”
A number of studies suggest that family background is a crucial factor in a young person’s vulnerability to loneliness.
Lonely students recall poorer relationships with their parents and childhood friends. They also remember less family togetherness. It has been noted significant correlations between loneliness and disrupted patterns of attachment suggestions the lack of bonding early in life may contribute to the experience of loneliness”
We live in a society that tends to promote loneliness. Our society is fast, mobile and changing. Every year 20 percent of the families in America move. On Manhattan, one can come in contact with hundreds of thousands of people in a very brief time span. Although we may come in contact with thousands, there is not enough time to build relationships, and so people are lonely.
Sometimes youth are lonely because of their circumstances.
Possessive attitudes by which are driven to get what we can for ourselves and demanding attitudes which cause us to fight for our rights and demand “fairness”.
Independent attitudes which cause us to act as if we were each rugged individualists, absolutely autonomous, independent of God and of others.
Dr. Garry Collins writes. “People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges”. Fear of intimacy, fear of being know, fear of rejection or fear of being hurt as we may have been hurt in the past. The loneliness is painful but for such people it is no less painful than the fear and insecurity of reaching out to others.
Some people are lonely because of they harbor feeling of anger and bitterness that alienate others and drive them away. Such alienation, of course often produces further frustration and anger, deeping the person’s loneliness in a whirlpool of self-defeating emotions and reactions
Inability or unwillingness to communicate is sometimes at the root of the person’s loneliness. Communication breakdowns are the root of many, perhaps most, interpersonal problems. When people are unwilling to communicate, or when they don’t know how to communicate honestly, there is a persisting isolation and loneliness even though individuals may be surrounded by others.
Some loneliness results from estrangement from God will often feel a deep existential loneliness than ca only be corrected by filling that God-shaped void that exists in every human heart “until it finds its rest in every human heart” until it finds its rest “ in Him. The same loneliness often results from unconfessed sin or even from a casual negligence of God’s care and His Claims on one’s life.
III. The outworking of God's purpose in our lives:
God has a purpose or many purposes in allowing loneliness in our lives for He wants to:
A. Reveal HIS love and power in the midst of that experience. B. He desires to manifest HIS grace in the midst of the loneliness. C. He desires to effect HIS will and plan through that experience.
1 . For David it was to prepare him and to use him in the writing of Psalms that would bless us.
2 . For Job it was to manifest HIMSELF to Job in a new way and to use him for all to see the Grace of God and the wisdom of God in the midst of all anguish!!
3 . And God wants to bring glory to Himself. It is for our sakes He allows loneliness that we may be an example of walking with God by faith, trusting, believing God.
IV. Maintaining a good mental attitude in the midst of loneliness:
HOW?
A . Know WHO you are IN CHRIST: Eph. 1:6; WHY am I here, alive anyway? (Eph. 2:10; 1:12; 1:4-5; II Cor. 6:4-17)
B. ACCEPT YOURSELF as God has made you and your lot in life as HIS perfect plan: (Rom. 8:32; Psa. 84:11; Psa 37:23; I Thess 5:18; Phil. 2:13)
C. Develop a THANKSGIVING ATTITUDE: Only two groups of people – gripers and thankers; groaners and praisers; gripers are never happy; thankers always are. You have the capacity to be either but if you allow the Holy Spirit to control your mind you will be a thanker. (Psa. 1; Eph. 5:18-21; I Thess. 5:18; Psa 145-150) Do not permit negative, critical, ungrateful, moody thoughts.
D. LEARN to be CONTENT where God has put you, and in what God is doing in your life! ( I Tim. 6:6; Phil. 4:11; Heb. 13:5) We so often think that if the circumstances were different, then we could be happy. God is the God of the circumstances. (Rom. 8:28,29) God has a perfect will for you. He is more concerned about your condition spiritually than your circumstances;. (II Cor. 12: 1-9)
E. ABOVE ALL PUT AWAY ANY SIN that the Holy Spirit convicts you of for sin in your life will bring a great loss. How can you be what God wants you to be or receive from His hand His will and blessing if sin blocks the ministry of the Lord to your life? Sin blasts, destroys, and can bring judgment as well. If you study I Corinthians 11:28-32 and Hebrews 12:5-13 you will be aware the unjudged sin will bring God’s chastening in your life. When we have unconfesssed sin (Prov. 28:13; I John 1:7-9) we can’t expect to have answered prayer or spiritual blessings upon our singleness. In fact, we will experience depression, guilt and frustration because of sin that we have not dealt with, confessed and brought before God in repentance. May the Holy Spirit lead in our life as you allow Him to guide, convict and direct you. |
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© 2008
Christian Youth Counseling Ministries.
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