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Understanding and Counseling Grief Biblically
The problem of Grief and Loss:
Grief and loss is a somewhat complicated and misunderstood emotion. Yet, grief is something that, unfortunately, we must all experience at some time or other. We will all inevitably experience loss. Whether it is a loss through death, divorce or some other loss, the stages of grieving are the same.
There are five stages of grief. If we get stuck in one stage or the other, the process of grieving is not complete, and cannot be complete. Thus there will be no healing. A person MUST go through the five stages to be well again, to heal. Not everyone goes through the stages at the same time. It is different for each person. You cannot force a person through the stages, they have to go at their own pace, and you may go one step forward then take two steps backward, but this is all part of the process, and individual to each person. But, as stressed, ALL five stages must be completed for healing to occur.
The five stages of grief are:
1- Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familial places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.
3-Bargaining -bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
4-Depression -overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.
5-Acceptance -there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (Even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.
Care and Counseling Tips
The Basics
Many of your youths will experience the death of a parent, relative, or friend during their teenage years. As a youth leader, you can help support them by learning about the process they are going through.
Grief has predictable stages.
Denial is a normal coping mechanism that protects the individual from experiencing a flood of emotions too quickly. If a youth instantly realized and accepted the full reality of a loved one’s death, with all the ramifications, he or she would be overwhelmed. However, by accepting the loss in bits and pieces, the individual can deal with it slowly.
Grieving is different for each individual.
The grief process will look different for each youth. Once a youth begins to feel his or her emotions, he or she will not progress through the stages of grief in a linear fashion, by completing one stage and moving to the next. Instead, a grieving person typically cycles through the stages, making it possible to experience anger one day (or even one hour) and sadness the next. It is crucial that you allow a person to experience and work through each of the stages and emotions. The intensity and duration of grief will vary depending on factors such as the type of loss, an individual’s coping skills, previous experiences, and the available resources to support them.
Care Tips
While supporting your grieving teenagers will require a long-term commitment from you, there are some immediate things you can do to help.
Listen.
The most beneficial thing that you can do for a grieving teenager is to be a good listener. The bereaved youth will need a safe place to share feelings and thoughts. Being a good listener requires time and energy. Grieving individuals may want to talk about the deceased incessantly, often repeating stories and memories. While listening, don’t give advice until asked for input. (Click to learn the 9 keys to Become a good listener)
Normalize the youth’s feelings.
You can help your grieving youth see that any feelings he or she has about the loss are normal. Don’t place expectations on how the youth should feel—any feeling is normal and should be accepted. If your youth shares that he or she has been feeling sad or guilty about the death, even a simple “That sounds pretty normal” can go a long way in helping the youth feel that he or she is not crazy or alone.
Allow normal activities to continue.
As soon as possible after a death, reintroduce activities into the youth’s life, such as encouraging him or her to get back into your youth group meetings or events. Getting back to some normalcy will help your youth realize that other parts of life can feel normal again, too, and will help him or her avoid slipping into isolation or depression.
Don’t forget about the family.
The loss has likely had an impact on the youth’s parents, siblings, and extended family members as well. This is a great time for you to build a supportive relationship with the family by checking in and seeing how you can be helpful. There are often practical things that you can organize your youth group to do, such as house-sitting during a funeral, gardening, or preparing meals.
If a youth exhibits the following behaviors, a referral to a professional Christian counselor or psychologist is recommended:
Recommended scriptures:
Romans 5:1-5 Romans 8:35-39 2 Corinthians 4:6-12 Philippians 3:10-14 1 Peter 1:3-4 Psalm 23 Psalm 31:9, 14 Psalm 139:13-16 Lamentations 3:31-33 John 11:17-44
What Not to Say
“I know just how you feel.” Grieving is such an intensely personal process that you have no idea how someone feels, even if you are grieving yourself. The mourner may not be sure how he or she feels from moment to moment, so you can’t assume you know. Allow time and space for the mourner to share with you how he or she feels during the process.
“They’re better off.” It may be true but still don’t say it. The mourner can say it, but if you say it, it can sound like an invalidation of the person’s feelings of loss and grief and worse, an accusation of selfishness.
“They’ll always be in your heart.” Of course, the mourner will always have memories, but right now they’d rather have the flesh-and-blood person.
What to Say
“I don’t know what to say.” Grief can make even the most confident speaker feel awkward, so if you don’t know what to say, just admit it. Honesty is refreshing.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Sometimes it helps to talk, and other times silence helps most. Sometimes mourners want to look through photo albums and share memories; other times they want to be distracted with chitchat about almost anything else.
“Do you know how I can best help you?” In the past your youth might have really loved cornball movies but now Grief might prefer going for a walk. The youth might like to go on as if nothing has happened or might like you to help the world “stop” for a time (collecting homework assignments or taking his or her baby-sitting jobs for a while) so the youth can just live this time of grief. He or she may not even know the kind of help needed; in that case, check back in a few days or a week and see if your youth has thought of something specific you can do to help. |
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© 2008
Christian Youth Counseling Ministry.
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