Basics principles about Dating

 

I. Dating and Purity

II. Biblical Dating “Defraud Not One Another”

III. Things to remember

IV. Five stages to define Biblical Dating relationship:

V. Dating from a Distance - Tips

VI. Tips What Not to Look for in a Guy

VII. How to End a Biblical Dating relationship if it doesn’t work

 

Read also:

 

Biblical Dating vs Modern Dating

Defining Courtship and Dating

FAQ’s about Biblical Dating

Conflicts and Problems Teens Face

 

 

 

I. Biblical Dating and Purity

 

1. Biblical Dating standards must be established on the basis of what is pleasing to God rather than what is pleasurable to man.

 

Book of Judges reveals what happens when people do "that which was right in their own eyes. (Judges 21 :25b)

 

In Ephesians 5:10, Paul challenges us to prove, "what is acceptable unto the Lord. " Let me ask you a question.  Does your Biblical Dating behavior prove what is acceptable to the Lord, or does it prove what is acceptable to you? Pleasure is

certainly not bad unless it is pleasure at the expense of obedience. It is always wrong to do wrong, even if wrong feels good.

 

2. Make your goal in Biblical Dating "How can we stay pure?"

 

Not, "How far can we go?" First Timothy 5:22 commands us to, "Keep thyself pure. " The word keep means to guard. The word pure means clean, innocent, modest, perfect, sacred, or blameless. God wants you to guard your innocence so that absolutely no one can blame you or find anything immodest in your Biblical Dating behavior.

 

3. Don't arouse desires in yourself or your date that you may not rightfully satisfy.

 

In I Thessalonians 4:1-7, God warns us not to "defraud" one another. The word defraud means to cause someone to want to do something they should not do. God also says in the same passage that we must know how to keep our bodies (vessels) pure of fornication (illicit sexual behavior) and our minds pure of concupiscence (immoral sexual desires). (Please see Chapter 3 for practical

standards to prevent defrauding.)

 

4. Be able to say to your children, "Do as we did. You will want to be able to say the same one day.

 

5. Men, remember that your girlfriend is someone's daughter, sister, or future wife. Treat her just as you would want a man to treat your daughter, sister, or wife.

 

Well, that same protective attitude toward their purity should characterize your behavior toward your date. Your girlfriend's daddy or brother might be terribly upset if they knew what you wanted to do with their daughter and sister.

 

6. Realize that anything you steal from the future to enjoy now will only rob you of greater satisfaction later.

 

Physical love is a very wonderful gift that God has given to married couples; and in marriage, it is very satisfying and rewarding.  God pity the couple who steals it before their wedding day to satisfy their undisciplined lust. That undisciplined indulgence will only create disrespect and insecurity in their marriage later.

 

7. If your date gets physical with you, don't deceive yourself into thinking that they were not physical with someone before you and will not be physical again with someone after you.

 

8. Remember that wedding vows don't change a person's morals.

 

If your date cheated on his parents, his pastor, and his Saviour before your wedding day, you have absolutely no guarantee that he will not cheat on you after your wedding day.

 

9. Set a goal in your life to walk to your wedding altar pure and chaste and virgin set apart for just one person.

 

A Christian teenage girl attending a large public high school was asked every Monday by her girlfriends if she had "scored" with her date on Friday, meaning did she behave impurely. One Monday, when her friends quizzed her, she responded, "Any time I want to, I can become like you; but, you can never again become like me."

 

10. Make a holy vow to God that you will stay pure in your Biblical Dating.

 

Write your vow in your Bible. Type it on a card, and place the card on the bathroom mirror or on the door of your room so that you will be constantly reminded of your promise to God to stay pure.

 

11. Beg God every day and especially before each date to help you to stay pure.

 

12. Date only those people who are approved by both your parents and your pastor or spiritual advisors.

 

13. Realize that moral purity is a marvellous way to honor your parents, please your pastor, and love your God.

 

 

II. Biblical Dating “Defraud Not One Another”

 

"For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness." (I Thessalonians 4:7)

 

Practical rules to follow to prevent "defrauding."

 

1. Have a curfew. As the evening gets later, the morals become looser. What some couples would never think of at 7:30 p.m., they will do at midnight. Set a curfew and then be in 10 to 15 minutes before curfew. I would suggest a curfew no later than 10:30 p.m. for high school teens and 11:00 p.m. for college age.

 

2. Don't touch. I mean don't kiss, hug, hold hands, etc. There never has been a couple who held hands and was content to stop with that. I am a firm believer in staying several steps away from danger. Let me logic with you for a moment. The

Bible is very clear about not committing adultery1 or fornication.2 Modern teens refer to it crudely as "going all the way."

 

God will judge. "First Thessalonians 4:3 tells us, "For this is the will of God.., that ye should abstain from fornication."

 

However, before a couple commits an immoral sexual act, they are engaged in heavy kissing and touching (commonly referred to as necking and petting). It is interesting to note that in I Corinthians 7:1, God wrote, "It is good for a man not to touch a woman." That word touch means a touch that lights afire.

 

The fire here refers to the fire of sexual desire. The Bible teaches that only married couples are allowed to stir up a sexual desire, and that fire is started by "touching." Paul then continues by saying that marriage is the only place where that kind of touching is allowed.

 

Before the necking and petting stage, there is some hugging and kissing. And before the hugging and kissing stage, the couple is holding hands, stroking an arm or face, etc.

 

Question. "If you want to be absolutely certain that you do not commit fornication, where is the wisest place to stop getting physical?" If you're honest, you would agree that the best place to stop is to not get physical in the first place.

 

 

3. Don't feed your mind with a lifestyle that contradicts your Biblical Dating standards. You won't keep your commitment to purity if you feed on the sexual indecency of television, rock music, romance novels, or trashy magazines.

 

 

4. Don't begin reading books that address the physical aspect of marriage more than three months before your wedding date.

 

5. Don't be alone with your date in a car or in a house.

 

6. Don't date when you are tired and weary. Your morals break down as your physical energy wears down.

 

7. Let your limits be known to your date, not harshly and unkindly, but firmly and sincerely. If your date's limits differ from yours, you should both decide to abide by the stricter of the two or you should decide not to date. And your parents should be told if there is a difference in your standards so that they might be able to work out a solution. "Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand" (Philippians 4:5)

 

There will be times when one or the other of you is weaker. This does not necessarily mean that the person is bad. It does mean that the stronger one must leave immediately as did Joseph in the Old Testament. After the weaker , one has calmed down and had time to think through the matter, there should be an apology and a recommitment of extra caution to pure standards.

 

9. Use a chaperon system when Biblical Biblical Dating. This does not mean that a Dating couple must have a little sister or brother or anyone else "breathing down their neck" constantly. Certainly there can and should be times when the couple is allowed to be alone in public. Basically, using a chaperon system means you are going to be accountable to someone other than yourselves. There is no accountability when in a car alone. There is no accountability when in a house alone.

 

10. Never trust yourself. I suppose this point sort of summarizes all of the previous points. We are all made of flesh. We all have certain "weaker" moments. We all need all of the help we can get to walk to our wedding day pure. Don't be so proud that you don't think you are capable of committing the worst of sins.

 

11. Plan your dates. Unplanned dates are one of the biggest causes for physical defrauding. It's easy for couples with weak self-discipline and little creativity to get physical. Pure couples must work hard to plan each date and be creative to prevent the boredom that often leads to defrauding.

 

 

12. Dress modestly and appropriately. How you dress determines how you act. Sloppy dress = careless actions; immodest dress impure actions; proper dress = proper actions.

 

 

III. Things to remember

 

1. The person you date must meet your parent's approval.

 

       1. Arrange to have your parents visit.

       2. If you are a lady, suggest to the young man that he write or call your parents before you date.

       3. Seek the advice of godly leaders. Ask them to give you a reference on the person whom you want to date.           

       Ask the pastor of the church where you are attending to investigate the person and give you his counsel.

 

2. The person whom you date should promote the relationship you have with your

parents. Anyone who tries to drive a wedge between you and your family, or complains about the time you spend with your family is a childish, insecure, selfish, demanding person who is not yet mature enough to date you.

 

3. I recommend you date someone you could enjoy seeing everyday for the rest of your life. There should be a "chemistry" in a relationship that is heading toward marriage.

 

I'm not simply talking about a handsome face or pretty teeth or a fair complexion or a lovely figure. I will say, however, that beauty is usually in the eyes of the beholder.

 

Young men, keep in mind that 90 percent of the physical beauty that captivates your eyes is probably due to her being able to afford more expensive makeup, hair styling, or clothing. Put the same expensive dress and shoes on some of the socalled "plain Janes" who have good character and a sweet spirit, and your eyes might be dazzled with their beauty.

 

The same goes for you young ladies, too. A man who knows how to work hard, stay faithful to his marriage vows, and be a hero to your children is much better than "chiseled" features, rippling biceps, and "designer jeans."

 

4. Date someone who takes pride in their name and has an honorable reputation.

Proverbs 22:1 says, "A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches." My parents are honorable people; my pastor is an honorable man; my sister is an honorable lady; my Sunday school teachers are honorable people; my church is an honorable church; my friends are honorable friends; my God is an honorable God; and my Saviour is an honorable Saviour.

 

5. Date someone who has kept themselves pure of mind and body.

 

If you have made some mistakes in this area, confess your sin to God; ask Him to cleanse you and make you white and pure. Isaiah 1:18 invites us, "Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool."

 

7. Date someone who has the character and self-discipline you admire and desire for yourself

 

8. Date someone who helps you uphold your convictions. If you're Biblical Dating a person who tries to make you lower your standards for any reason whatsoever, drop that person like a rattlesnake! Yes, that takes unusual courage, but you will thank me ten thousand times over if you will trust me on this point.

 

9. Date someone you would want your children to copy. Be sure the person you date is worthy to be called "King" or “Queen” by your children.

 

10. Date someone who won't insist that you forfeit your teenage and college-age years in order to prove your love.

 

11. Date only a born-again Christian. To many of you, this is too obvious. I only wish it were to the many dozens of couples I know who have shipwrecked their lives by violating this very clear command of Scripture. II Corinthians 6:14 states pointedly, "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?"

 

Again, I personally know of couples who married when one or the other was not saved. The only thing they prove is that God is merciful and forgiving. The Bible says, "Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God" (Matthew 4:7)

 

Don't "push" God's kindness by disobeying His command to not be "unequally yoked together with unbelievers."

(II Corinthians 6: 14a) God punished the nation of Israel more for marrying unbelievers than He did for any other sin.

 

12. Date only a soul winner.

 

13. Date someone who loves God, the Bible.

  

 

IV. Five stages to define Biblical Dating relationship:

 

  • The "First date" stage

  • The "I like you" stage

  • The "I love you" stage

  • The "Engagement" stage

  • The "Wedding day" stage

 

 

V. Dating from a Distance - Tips

 

 

Absence is often unavoidable. Yet there are several ideas I would like to offer here that can help promote your relationship over the miles.

 

1. Maintain the same Biblical Dating schedule you had when you were together.

 

As near as is possible, you spend the same amount of time at the same time of the week and day "Biblical Dating" by means of letter writing, phone calling, mentally planning, and mentally remembering as you spent with each other when you were together.

 

For example, if you had two dates each week, you should spend two separate occasions each week, preferably at the same times, reliving the memories of specific dates, planning ideas for new dates, writing a letter to your date, or talking on the phone to your date.

 

2. Spend time mentally Biblical Dating.

 

3. The secret is to convince your date you are thinking of them even when you are not together.

 

4. Plan your telephone conversations, and limit them to less than 30 minutes.

Frequent, long telephone conversations can be dangerous to a relationship. Too often, the wrong message can be given or received. Unplanned conversations can often lead to topics of intimacy or negativism.

 

Make a brief outline of the positive highlights of your day and week and share those. It is far better to end a conversation on a high note with a brief call than to have a lengthy talk that is boring, uneventful, negative, or depressing. Let your date know how long you may talk, and stay within your limits.

 

5. Don't resort to discussing intimate topics in order to keep the romance strong.

 

7. If you live far away from each other, do not plan an overnight visit unless you have already entered the "I love you" stage.

 

Visiting your date's hometown sends a very strong message of commitment. Be sure the commitment is properly secured before sending such a signal.

 

Spending a few days with your date also greatly accelerates your relationship. Propriety and ethics demand that such trips be reserved for couples who are quite serious in their relationship.

 

Let me strongly caution you that should you plan such a trip, do not stay at the same house together. The temptations of intimacy are just much too great to spend the evenings sleeping at the same residence.

 

8. Do not advance to the next stage of Biblical Dating in order to "keep" the relationship.

 

 

VI. Tips What Not to Look for in a Guy

 

 

1. Someone who does not walk closely with the Lord. Most likely you will not find someone who has perfect character or who is a perfect Christian, but if that person knows and loves the Lord and has enough character to walk consistently with Him, growth will take place.

 

2. Someone who is a "womanizer. "Again, good girls too often take on this kind of a guy because of the challenge.

 

3. Someone for whom you have sympathy. The mother instinct in a girl often causes her to feel attracted to a guy because of sympathy. Sympathy may feel like romantic love, but it is not a good foundation for a marriage. As a general rule, if you feel sorry for a guy, stay away from him — especially if you feel sorry for him because of his spiritual condition.

 

4. Someone who is not truthful. If you catch a young man lying to you, he should be removed from your list immediately. It is impossible to open up and share with someone you do not trust. A liar cannot be intimately close to anyone.

 

5. Someone who is not good to his mother. A young man learns how to love from his mother; therefore, he will treat his wife much like he treats his mother. Proverbs 15 :20b tells us that, "a foolish man despiseth his mother. "Foolish men do not make good husband material.

 

6. Someone who does not share your goals and convictions. Shared goals and convictions bring intimacy to a relationship and allow a marriage to remain exciting for many years.

 

7. Someone whose past is not similar to your own.

 

8. Someone of whom your parents and spiritual leaders do not approve.

 

 

VII. How to End a Biblical Dating relationship if it doesn’t work

 

  • First, confirm your decision with your parents and spiritual advisors.

  • Plan an appropriate time and place to break the news to your date.

  • Prepare your words carefully. Proverbs 25:11

  • Speak kindly and slowly, gently yet seriously.

  • Start by thanking them for the great times you enjoyed and the happy

  • memories you made together.

  • Do not blame the breakup on God.

  • Do not blame the breakup on your parents or anyone else.

  • Be honest without being rude.

  • Do not give hope for putting things together in the future.

  • Don't get into an argument When you first sit down to talk, ask for ten  minutes to talk without interruption. If your date tries to argue with you, stay calm and stick with your planned words, but by all means, do not raise your voice and argue with them.

  • Don't let your emotions talk you out of your decision. You will probably feel sorry for the other person, but don't let sorrow keep you together. Sympathy is a poor glue for a healthy relationship.

  • Don't promise to remain friends. Biblical Dating is not true friendship anyway.

  • Leave on good terms. Be a Christian gentleman or a Christian lady. Don't storm off irate or angry. Thank the person again for making room in his or her life for you, tell the person you appreciate the money, gifts, etc. he or she spent on you.

  • Don't try to keep the relationship alive after you have broken up.

  • It is normal and proper to feel a sense of loss and sadness after you break up.

 

Adapted from: "Dating with a Purpose - Common Sense Dating Principles for Couple Parents and Youth Workers " by Dr. Jack Schaap