9 Keys To Become A Good Listener

Proverbs 18:  13 ”He who answers before listening - that is his folly and his shame.”

Listening to others is an art. Listening is much more than just hearing. Listening requires the listener to be an active participant in the conversation, exercising certain skills and techniques.  While I can't promise that understanding these keys will always make you successful, I can tell you that ignoring them or not paying attention to them will definitely lead to trouble.

1. Listen Actively. Be aware that you are engaged in listening. Pay full attention to the person speaking. Make the speaker feel as if he or she is the only person in the world that matters to you at that moment. Concentrate.

2. Listen and Show respect for the speaker. One of the biggest secrets to becoming an excellent listener is to take on the job of always finding something to respect and validate about what others are saying. This is a challenging purpose you can take on. But only 1 out of 100 realizes its importance and makes this a top priority. Consider the speaker's ideas carefully. Do not belittle or show disdain for what you are hearing. Your facial expressions should not show disrespect or distraction. You may, of course, need to disagree, but let the speaker finish presenting his or her ideas first.  

3. Good listening requires great wisdom. You can't be a good listener if you don't understand human beings. And I mean really understand human beings.

How do you obtain this wisdom?  By asking  God. James 1: 5 – 6.

 “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.”

4. Listen and Ask questions. As you listen, you will have questions about what you hear. At an appropriate moment, ask your questions to clarify information and to show that you are interested in the speaker.

5. Listen and do not take control of the conversation. When the speaker touches on something of particular interest to you, it is always tempting to interrupt and ask about that item. Often, this results in deflecting the speaker from his or her agenda and onto yours. Good listeners let the speaker control the direction of the conversation. Make a mental note of your question and ask it later when the speaker has made all the points he or she intended to make.

6. Listen and don't spend your listening time thinking of what you will say when it's your turn to speak. If you're composing your response, you are not listening to the speaker fully.

7. Listen and reflect back what the speaker has said. In some situations, such as when you want to encourage the speaker to continue, reflect back what the speaker has said. Use phrases such as, "So you are saying that..." or "Let me see if I understand you properly..." Then repeat to the speaker what you think you heard. This is a powerful technique that can lead people into new territory they had not intended to talk about.

8. Listen with an appropriate body language. Be open to the speaker. Face the speaker directly and look at the speaker. Do not put barriers between you and the speaker. If possible, move out from behind a desk to sit next to the speaker. Do not fold your arms, lean away from the speaker, turn away from the speaker, look at other items or people in the room, or glance at your computer screen or reading material. Stay focused on the speaker. Physical obstacles between you represent barriers to open communications.

9. Listen with optimism and positive human regard. Many people fall prey to negative thinking and feelings. When they communicate with others, these negative states come through, and they may even want others to sympathize with them and agree with their negative points of view.

Good listeners, however, often have the ability to listen to people "positively," despite their immediate negative state. "Oh, a tornado hit and destroyed your home and all your possessions-- what a tragedy--but at least you're still alive!" Or "Gee, that's awful, but don't worry--six months from now you won't even remember it happened."

You can listen to people communicate about a tragedy with a great deal of compassion. But you also can listen optimistically and with positive human regard for their inner strengths and human capabilities.